Do You Want Cannabis Advice or Just Praise?

I check your weed out under microscope and tell you that it’s full of mites and caterpillar shit. You act surprised and soooo concerned, but after I leave, you don’t remove any product from your shelves. You sell that fucking rubbish anyway, which leaves me to believe that you’re not looking for advice, you’re just looking for praise. You’re not going to find it here.

As a cannabis consultant I am often called to evaluate cannabis products; mostly flower and concentrates. I’ve run into an infuriating trend that has led me to believe that in a lot of cases, it’s not my professional opinion that matters; some clients are just looking for unwarranted praise and/or my blind endorsement.

For instance, during the month of October 2016 I was called by three different clients on three different occasions for evaluations. Each of these clients were growers that wanted me to review their product and make recommendations to cannabis establishments that might be short on supply.

Upon examination under microscope, I saw a sickening number of webs and dead mites; both whole and random body parts.

Fucking awesome.

And to think these people are established professional growers…

I informed the clients of the problem and let them see it for themselves under the loop; they all acted disgusted and surprised. All three of these clients said they had no idea the plants had been infected with mites, despite the fact they grew the crop personally.

What a load of complete and utter shit!

If you’re a grower and you’re producing finished product that has mites and webs throughout, YOU KNEW. Chances are you thought you cut most of it out during trimming and post-cure. Coming from a microscopic standpoint, that’s fucking stupid to attempt. Cut all you want; you’ll never destroy the evidence at a microscopic level, okay fuck-face? That’s why murderers rarely get away with their crimes; because they cannot eliminate microscopic evidence.

Other cases of this sort of fuckery that occurred during the fall of 2016:

• Cannabis establishment calls me to evaluate their existing flower; two strains had caterpillars and related feces throughout, even in the center of the buds. After revealing this, the establishment acted surprised, but weeks later they were still selling the same product on their shelves.
• Grower asked me to evaluate for late-season failure to thrive; I found a grossly systemic powdery mildew problem and provided extensive advice for treatment after my first recommendation to scrap the crop was ignored. Grower followed none of this advice, took their crop to harvest and later I accidentally acquired some of this moldy shit.
• Cannabis establishment requests finished flower evaluation of 6 strains. 2 of these strains were obviously not the strains they were being advertised as. Management even agreed the strains were misidentified, but weeks later they are still selling this weed under those false labels.
• Cultivation center asks me to evaluate site security. I find extensive cell phone use by low-level employees while in the grow. After providing my report mentioning this as a serious security flaw, I visited the grow about a week later and saw no less than 4 employees – trimmers and “laborers” – head down, eyes fixated on the screens of their devices.

This is all complete and severe bullshit.

First, any consultant that would give a pass or approval on contaminated products or poor security measures needs to be beaten bloody with hemp stalks. Second, thinking that a professional with an excellent reputation for high quality standards is going to review your trash but proclaim it treasure is indicative that you’re too stupid to be in the cannabis industry in the first place.

Fuck off, mkay?

Solution

As always, I’m not going to bitch without offering a solution. In this case, I’m in the process of managing a large project designed to force accountability on growers, wholesalers and retailers. This project starts with education at the consumer level. If consumers know what to look for and have the tools, equipment, resources and support to take control of their cannabis selection and consumption, then growers and sellers won’t be able to take advantage of these consumers and sell contaminated, potentially dangerous products anymore.  For now, these fucking assclowns might make dumbass attempts to fool me, but when that doesn’t work they just shrug their shoulders, knowing that at the end of the day, they’re going to fool the consumer. I can’t reveal too much now, but those days are coming to an end really fucking soon. I’ll update this post when the project has been launched.

Have you experienced any of this sort of nonsense? Have a story or solution you want to share? Let’s hear it in the comments section below.